Solitude

I sit here within the confines of my bedroom somewhat in hiding. Seclusion can be a beautiful thing when it is sought after and obtained. That would be the best word I could find to describe my day. As some of you know my best friend in the entire world (Colby) joined me on my flight back to Hondo and has spent the past 3 1/2 weeks with me. Well she boarded another flight today. Except this one took her back out of my world instead of bringing her into it. As we drove into the city we joked about the things that could prevent her from leaving today: bus/taxi strike blocking the roads, canceled flight, etc. However, a huge part of what we said wasn’t really done in joke but out of desire for more time. More time to share together laughing, serving, working, loving, and simply being. Her 25 days here seemed to have come and gone in the mere blink of an eye. During that time I was able to relish in the fact that for the briefest of moments I no longer had to straddle the fence between here and home but instead had found a place in which my worlds could collide. For 25 days I no longer had to close my eyes to picture what it would look like if I could grab a hold of both of my lives and pull them together. For 25 days it seemed more like Colby was here doing life with me instead of just visiting and I was able to play pretend for awhile. Well the world of make believe came to an end today as I clung to her in one last embrace. Then as every tear in me threatened to burst to the surface I watched her board a plane and head for home. It was as though the realization hit that this is now my life. That I will spend more time longing to be with my loved ones and watching their backs as they walk away than I will actually spend in their presence. Now I sit here once again crying out to God…..why is it so hard. Why does it seem like my life is more full of goodbyes than hellos and when does this get easier? The answer is simple…it never gets easier. As hard as that is to swallow I appreciate the honest answer because I’m reminded once again that I’m not in this because it is easy but because it is worth the fight. There will always be moments when I want to reach out and touch the skirt tales of my distant world and when I find that my heart is hurting to be with those living in that world. Today is one of those days. So as I sulk away in my room I will allow myself one evening of solitude. One evening to wallow in the pain piercing my heart in huge ways. One evening of emotions so strong I feel as though I could cry every time I open my mouth to speak. After that it is time to rejoin this world and those I’ve been serving with for the past months. I have kiddos to love and ministries calling out my name. That doesn’t mean it still won’t hurt...because it will. It certainly doesn’t mean being here is going to be any easier because it never will be. It just means I set my mind on the task at hand. To my best friend…thanks. Thanks for loving me enough not only to follow me to Canton Ohio for visits but also to Hondo. Thanks for entering my new world and reminding me that no matter how far apart God and life take us you will always be there supporting me. Thanks for being willing to step so far out of your own comfort zone and serve with me in my capacity. Thanks for loving those who have become like a second family to me. Thanks for helping to bridge that gap between here and home. I truly am blessed to call you friend.