Colby recently gave me the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist to read. She had just finished it and couldn't quit raving about it. Well if you know anything about me you know that I love to read. I generally have at least 2 books going at any given time and about 100 more on my shelf that I've bought to read "next." So when Colby handed me this pretty orange book and recommended I read it I could have quite honestly told her I'd get to it after the other 99 that I still had to read. However, for whatever reason I grabbed it and threw it in my bag before leaving for Thanksgiving. I spent almost every night curled up in my bed pouring over the pages of this book. The author, Shauna, is more raw and open than any other author I think I've ever read. She writes about her deepest and darkest moments of life. She gives detailed descriptions of her failures and short comings. And she allows you, the reader, to truly just be honest with who you are because she is being so honest too. It really is quite remarkable. I find myself wanting to sit down with her at a coffee shop somewhere. I can imagine sitting across from her at a table in Starbucks and just chatting like we are old friends....because after reading her book I feel like I know her and I feel like I owe her the same level of honesty she has offered to me. The following quote is from one of my favorite chapters of her book...
"Secrectly, I do absolutely lean on my own understanding. I do it so that I don't feel so out of control and blind to the world, so that I can have a plan and manage my life and not feel like something's coming around the corner that I can't predict and don't have insurance for. I believe in my own ability to figure out my life, and top-secretly I don't want it to be all misty and mysterious. I don't want to say that the future is in God's hands and could go any way He chooses. That sounds terrifying to me. I want guarantees. I want the future in my hands. I want to know what's coming, know what to expect, put away money for it, buy insurance for it, and receive an e mail confirmation."
And here I thought I was the only Christian who felt this way. How often do we each rely on our own understanding? I know I do on a daily basis. God is constantly tapping me on the shoulder saying "remember me? Yea I'm the one who spoke you into existence and if it's all the same to you I'll take over now." So why is it easy for me to speak the words but so much harder for me to convince my head/heart to believe them? I know that life is better when I hand the reins over to God but yet the mere thought of that causes me anxiety. BUT I'm committing to being better at that. Committing to let God lead...even if it means walking blindly through this phase of life.
Oh and if I didn't mention it I really LOVE the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist and I think you all should go out and get a copy of her book. I'd loan you mine but I have written all throughout it.....its THAT good! :)