I recently found this truly amazing blog called theveryworstmissionary.com. The blog is written by a women named Jamie who is a missionary in Costa Rica. In her blog Jamie is so real and open it is almost scary. There are moments when I stop and think "did she just write that" and I'm reading her blog that I'm almost embarrassed for her that she is exposing so much of herself on the world wide web for just God or anyone to read! However, I'm not scared of her opneness because I think it is wrong or unjustified. Instead, I'm scared because its so foreign and new to me. How many of us shield the world from what we really are like. We avoid sharing thoughts that might "rock the boat" in order to be sure that others will like us or support us. And I'm definitely scared of her openness because it challenges me. I've had a blog for 4 years now and I've written hundreds of blog entries. Yet, I'm not sure I"ve ever spoken so honestly with my readership.
It's easy to sit in front of my computer and type a blog. I never have to see the faces of the people who read my entries. I never have to answer questions my readers might have for me. I never have to go any deeper than I choose to share and my blog allows me to carefully consider each word that I type, each photo I put up, each story I choose to tell, etc. I'm able to display to you all of my best qualities...none of the quirky, honest, and less than appealing parts of myself.
So today I'm going to share some of my quirks, my faults, and my failures.
I talk to much
I listen to little
I like to watch movies with subtitles
I hate birds....am terrified of them actually
I'm a people pleaser to a fault
I'm terrible about letting others serve me
I pick at the skin around my fingernails....to the point that they bleed
I talk during movies
I shut down when I'm mad
I love coffee but only when it is lukewarm
I don't call my parents often enough or tell them how much I appreciate them
I have a love/hate relationship with working out
I fill glasses of water and then leave them laying around the house still full
I hate to be wrong
Isn't it strange that most of you would consider me a confident, strong, independent, and well rounded person and yet there are days when I feel like the biggest failure out there....I feel like I'm not doing enough, or I feel like I'm not a good enough daughter, friend, Christian, sister, or person.
Yet the problem for me has always been whose eyes I'm seeing myself in. If I'm viewing myself in the eyes of the person I just honked at on the interstate because they cut me off, or the friend I just cancelled plans with at the last minute because I was overbooked, or my family whom I tend to neglect in my pursuit to meet everyone else's needs first, or the boyfriend who I was short tempered with because living 9 hours apart gets daunting at times, or just about anyone else I interact with on a daily basis...... If I view myself in their eyes then I'm never truly be... ENOUGH. So why is it I can't just learn to see myself through God's eyes...He's the only one that truly matters anyways...right? And HE looks past my imperfections and loves me anyways.
"....The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." --1 Samuel 16: 1-13