Jen CAN make all your dreams come true

If you have ever doubted that God has a sense of humor just listen to this story. We spent yesterday in the city with Gina. One of the errands Gina needed to run was to the the pet store to get fish food. Jen and I went in with her hoping that we might find a lab for sale. We have been wanting to buy a dog for here for a long time now but have had our hearts set on a lab. Well we were sad to hear they didn't have labs. Letting go of the idea of a puppy we went about the other errands we had to run. It wasn't until after lunch hours later Jen said to me again "how fun would it to be to take a puppy home today?" Agreeing I turned to Gina asking where exactly we could find a lab puppy. She told us that there was no where that she knew of that we could get one. I kid you not we hadn't gone a block farther when Jen hit the breaks and gave out a squeal because there sitting on the hood of a car along side the road were 4 labs FOR SALE. We whipped the car into the parking lot and had Gina work her magic. She was so good that after she mentioned the dog was for an orphanage the guy took 1000 Lemps off of the price! We picked out the one we wanted and headed to take Gina home. On our drive there we decided that the puppy needed a friend and so we headed back to get yet another lab. Well believe it or not in the 15 minutes we had been gone the guys had left. There was no sign of them or lab puppies anywhere...talk about fate. We had been there at the perfect moment! We continued up that road and came to the corner where there was yet another man selling dogs. Only this time it was the Cocker Spaniels. When I first arrived at Casa back in January Jen commented on the fact that she was here to make my dreams come true. Since then it has become our little joke. Well today that joke became a reality as she truly did make a dream of mine come true. I have always wanted to own a cocker spaniel....well today Jen took that dream and made it a reality by buying a 6 week old cocker spaniel. Again we convinced them to give us a discount since it was for the orphanage and we were on our way to the vet to have them both checked out. It is a very good thing we decided to take them to the vet right away because we found out they have fleas, ticks, and round worms! Not only do they have them but round worm can be passed to people and can cause you to go blind or could even move into your brain. Therefore, the vet strongly warned us to not let the dogs around the kids for the next 15 days as the meds kicked in and did their job. So we are now the proud owners of 2 puppies! I choose to believe it was God's gift to us and the kids after a particularly rough week. Not to mention that we are told that puppies (animals in general) are good for sexually abused children because it helps give them something they can love and receive love from without feeling scared. It teaches them to trust again. So I ask that you pray that these two little puppies (whom I've already become so attached to as much as the kids have) make it and become very healthy very soon. We return to the vet next week so there will be more updates for sure! Oh and we also need names so if you have any suggestions let me know....I'm getting tired of calling them puppy 1 or puppy 2! I wish you all could have shared in the joy this morning of watching those sweet little faces as they walked into the play room and saw me standing there holding not one but two puppies. It was like Christmas all over again. They squealed, clapped, jumped, and were beside themselves with joy. I might also add that the lab slept with me last night. You all will appreciate this story for sure! It took me two seconds after putting the lab in his box (aka clothes hamper) to know that he wasn't happy being there. His little whine and occasional bark let us all know he wanted out. He was only quiet when he was cuddled up next to someone. Therefore, I decided to brave it and took him to bed with me. As I lay there I kept imagining waking up in the morning with poop and pee filling my bed. So....I did what any other mother would do...I got up and grabbed a pamper. After cutting out a hole for his tale I expertly placed the pamper on his bottom like I would have one of the children! Content I climbed back into bed and curled up next to that cute little puppy. I awoke to find him curled up on my pillow with his nose ever so close to mine...breathing his little puppy morning breath into my face. However, I had a very clean and very dry bed!

Katty

There are just some things a mother should never have to do. Spending time in the cancer ward of a hospital for any amount of time is right up there on that list. Yesterday Jen and I took Katty back to Hospital Escuela to meet with her doctor. Some of you may not know that when we got Katty her blood test showed signs of problems and fearing the worst they thought possibly a chance of cancer. However, since then she has had more tests done and those tests came back clean. In an attempt to make sure they didn't miss anything they are having her tested once every 4-6 months. Yesterday was such a day. Jen and I awoke around 4:30 and headed into the city to be there by 6. We arrived on time only to find out that the doctor didn't actually come in until 7. We were directed to go through a set of doors and wait in the next room. As we walked through the door I looked at Jen as if to say are you kidding me. They were having us wait in the room where the kids in the cancer ward were having chemo! I'm talking beds along every wall of the room full of kids hooked up to chemotherapy. We sat watching mothers (who looked exhausted) hold their children over top of a tiny little trashcan they had been given as they threw up every part of their insides! I sat staring at bald heads, sunken in eyes, and tear stained cheeks. I sat watching kiddos who were hooked up to IVs and chemo treatments until my eyes hurt as bad as my heart. There were more kids than there were beds. Therefore, the chairs that had once been placed in the center of the room for waiting parents were now being used to hold children in desperate need of a bit of comfort. So as I sat there staring at the scene around me I couldn't help but grief the pain of each of those little ones. It wasn't something my "tough" little heart could have taken on any day...let alone the day after taking Luby back. It was a good reminder that there are kids in there every day sick and dying that we think very little about and pray for even less. I know your prayer lists are already way long but I ask you to add those within the hospitals to your list. Katty's test results were once again clean ...thank you Jesus. For those 7 hours I had sat in prayer not only for those before me but also for that little one in my lap. I sat terrified that she too might be added to the children I saw before me. However, after spending just 7 hours in the hospital I had more respect and sympathy for those parents standing beside their children.

Luby

Ever wonder if all of Heaven is crying with you...or at least feels your pain. Today I'm certain the answer is yes. We took Luby back to the Judges office this afternoon and after 2 weeks of loving him through life walked out of the office without him. He attempted to bolt out the gate this morning while it was open to take things in and out. After JT got hold of him and brought him back inside he then spent the rest of his morning saying that he didn't want to be here. He went to his bedroom and put back on the clothes that he came in. He yelled of wanting out. He told of what he would sell and how he would get money to feed himself once he was back on the street.
Well Jen had told him the next time he tried to run or said he didn't want to be here that he was going back. He has to know there are consequences in life. Not to mention that he hits, kicks, spits on, etc every one of our children and they are now afraid of him. Yesterday poor Monica pressed herself flat against the opposite wall to stay as far out of his reach as she could as she passed him. Although I don't believe he is of a direct danger to their lives we also can't have him intimidating them to a point where they are afraid to be near him.
It was the hardest decision and even more so the hardest decision to walk out! I rode to town with Jen in an attempt to assist her if he made an attempt to bolt or fight. He put up a big fight alright.....he sat on the seat with me and about half way there even allowed himself to lean back into my embrace and allow me to place my cheek on the back of his head. Then as we began to talk to him I looked over just in time to see a single tear slip out of the corner of his eye and roll down his cheek. It was enough to start my water works all over again. What must it be like to be 12 and not know what a home looks like? To not know where you are going to lay your head tonight? Together the three of us made our way into the building that not so long ago we had walked out of together. It seemed appropriate that we had started this journey out together and we were ending it together. We met with the judge and explained the situation. Then suddenly it was like someone snapped their fingers. The papers were signed and Luby’s life, for the next few days at least, had been decided. A girl walked in the door and informed him it was time to go. Before Jen or I knew what happened she had led him away to a waiting guard. We had to half jog to keep up and finally called out for the guard to wait so that we could say our goodbyes. Jen went first and as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close I could see her body begin to shake as she too lost the fight that had been holding back the dam threatening to burst behind her eyes. Then it was my turn to say goodbye to a kid who despite the attitude, hardness, and problems had become one of our own. He wasn’t a new project. He was just simply ours. I took him into my arms and in an attempt to find words to wrap up the emotions and love welling up within me I whispered words that were meant to comfort and assure him that he was indeed loved. Then with one final...I'll love you forever I turned and walked away. I met up with Jen outside and we headed for the truck where we laid our head in our arms and sobbed for a little boy who had not only made his way into our home but also into our hearts. Then as if a movie screen had been placed before my eyes I watched the scenes of the past 3 weeks flash before my eyes. I saw a scared little boy be brought into the judges office that first day so uncertain of who we were or what his future would hold. I saw a little boy sitting in the back of Gina's car that first day. Who when asked if he wanted to go for ice cream said "yea I have some money we can go." I saw a little boy who when taken to the dump with us coward behind Jen realizing he wasn't as tough as he thought. I saw a little boy who gave his seat up to a women who had nowhere to sit. I saw a little boy who opened so many doors, pulled out chairs, and who every once in awhile gave hugs like he wanted to hold onto you forever. I saw a little boy who hit, bit, kicked, and yelled at those that set boundaries for him simply because for the first time in his life he had someone who cared enough about him to do so. I saw a boy who in so many ways reminded me of me when I was young. I was a brat. I was mean at times. The more I saw me in him the more it hit me just how unfair this all was. How unfair it was/is that I had parents who loved me through those hard times instead of parents who created them. How unfair it was/is that we couldn't be those loving parents to him. However, the fact of the matter is we have 15 other kids who have never known what it means to be safe. We can't steal that from them now that they have found it just to save one. However, that doesn’t make losing him any easier. He was a part of us. There is an empty bed in our house tonight that will constantly serve as a reminder that I now have no idea where this child will find a bed tonight. I have no idea if someone is hugging/kissing him goodnight. I have no idea if someone is there to pray over him or sing him to sleep.
This entire experience has taken me to a whole new level of trusting God. A level that includes understanding that this child wasn’t truly mine but is His…he just loaned him to me for a couple of weeks. A new level of trusting that meant that I had to say “God I have no idea where this child is going…I may never see him again…but I trust YOU.” I’ve learned that this kind of trusting….not so easy for me. This kind of loving is also not so easy for me….it is hard on my heart! It is so worth it though because for 2 weeks I got to love on a kiddo who up until now nobody has wanted to love on. We possibly had the chance to plant seeds that someone else will have the privilege of sowing in the future. So for now I will attempt to work on the trust thing and have faith that no matter what he is in God’s hands.

the sweetest of moments

Some of the sweetest moments here catch me by surprise but stink with me as memories that can last a lifetime. Lately my days have been full of moments like that with Miss Maryuri. They are the types of moments that remind me of just why I'm here and put a smile on my face for hours. Some of these very moments came last night as I was putting the girls to bed. After getting them all settled in I curdled up with Maryuri in here bed....no small task now that she is sleeping in a toddler bed that is barely longer than her. However, she has become quite cuddly lately and I wasn't missing an opportunity to take advantage of that fact! As I lay in bed with her listening to the girls say their prayers and good nights I began to sing to them. What started out as a quiet little solo ended up as a boisterous duet because before I was even half way through my first song my voice was blending with the sweetest little bellow of my little Maryuri. Of course she didn't know the words and at 2 isn't quite able to pick up on them as we go so eventually my words became drowned out by the grunting, mumbling, and flat at animated noises coming from the little one beside me. With a smile on my face and a lifted heart I continued on with my song simply enjoying the sound of the voice that was so happy to be part of the singing. Really put into perspective the whole “make a joyful noise thing!”
It was during that same evening that I was delighted to hear that same little girl utter the words “I love you mommy.” Each evening as I say goodnight to my kiddos I always whisper I love you with their name at the end. Well last night as I said I love you Maryuri I was shocked to hear her little voice whisper… “I love you mommy” right back at me. It is the first time I’ve ever heard her say those 4 words. Up until just recently she hardly talked at all. You can imagine the tears that found their way to my eyes in that moment! My last Maryuri story is one that still brings a smile to my face as I retell it. It isn’t actually a story of a moment that I had with her as it is a new development in her world. We aren’t sure where exactly she got it but she has started to tickle you (which feels more like she is digging her fingers into your esophagus) under your chin while saying toca toca toca all while giggling up a storm. We are pretty sure it is her attempt to say get ya get ya get ya. Either way it is absolutely adorable. If you can get past the pain that the entire encounter inflicts upon you it is pretty darn cute! :)

Solitude

I sit here within the confines of my bedroom somewhat in hiding. Seclusion can be a beautiful thing when it is sought after and obtained. That would be the best word I could find to describe my day. As some of you know my best friend in the entire world (Colby) joined me on my flight back to Hondo and has spent the past 3 1/2 weeks with me. Well she boarded another flight today. Except this one took her back out of my world instead of bringing her into it. As we drove into the city we joked about the things that could prevent her from leaving today: bus/taxi strike blocking the roads, canceled flight, etc. However, a huge part of what we said wasn’t really done in joke but out of desire for more time. More time to share together laughing, serving, working, loving, and simply being. Her 25 days here seemed to have come and gone in the mere blink of an eye. During that time I was able to relish in the fact that for the briefest of moments I no longer had to straddle the fence between here and home but instead had found a place in which my worlds could collide. For 25 days I no longer had to close my eyes to picture what it would look like if I could grab a hold of both of my lives and pull them together. For 25 days it seemed more like Colby was here doing life with me instead of just visiting and I was able to play pretend for awhile. Well the world of make believe came to an end today as I clung to her in one last embrace. Then as every tear in me threatened to burst to the surface I watched her board a plane and head for home. It was as though the realization hit that this is now my life. That I will spend more time longing to be with my loved ones and watching their backs as they walk away than I will actually spend in their presence. Now I sit here once again crying out to God…..why is it so hard. Why does it seem like my life is more full of goodbyes than hellos and when does this get easier? The answer is simple…it never gets easier. As hard as that is to swallow I appreciate the honest answer because I’m reminded once again that I’m not in this because it is easy but because it is worth the fight. There will always be moments when I want to reach out and touch the skirt tales of my distant world and when I find that my heart is hurting to be with those living in that world. Today is one of those days. So as I sulk away in my room I will allow myself one evening of solitude. One evening to wallow in the pain piercing my heart in huge ways. One evening of emotions so strong I feel as though I could cry every time I open my mouth to speak. After that it is time to rejoin this world and those I’ve been serving with for the past months. I have kiddos to love and ministries calling out my name. That doesn’t mean it still won’t hurt...because it will. It certainly doesn’t mean being here is going to be any easier because it never will be. It just means I set my mind on the task at hand. To my best friend…thanks. Thanks for loving me enough not only to follow me to Canton Ohio for visits but also to Hondo. Thanks for entering my new world and reminding me that no matter how far apart God and life take us you will always be there supporting me. Thanks for being willing to step so far out of your own comfort zone and serve with me in my capacity. Thanks for loving those who have become like a second family to me. Thanks for helping to bridge that gap between here and home. I truly am blessed to call you friend.

Would we?

As i look out my high rise window, 810, i see the horizon
and the great expanse in between
and it is beautiful...
as i look down at the specifics i see the smoker kids down on the street who find their community in an addiction, on a sidewalk
whether, sun, rain, or snow
they find their place there on the outskirts of campus
on a piece of concrete.
i wonder if Christianity was ban on campus
and we had to meet out on the sidewalk
if we'd be so dedicated? or so addicted...
you would think Jesus should be easier to sell than cigarettes.
but then again community is a powerful thing
even if it's found on the outskirts of campus, in the cold, on a piece of concrete... we do often choose damage over healing and ask ourselves why
i thought our nice, warm, church buildings
with our high dollar programs would work better...
but then again community is a powerful thing.
Earth is a breathtaking sight from space, as the horizon is from my window
but don't forget to look down and closer
because the details can make a big difference.
attention to the detail is the difference between a finger painting and a master piece
it's all paint...

As I was messing around on myspace I stumbled upon the following song/poem on one of my friends blogs. It hit me in ways that he will never know. Would we be so addicted. If being a Christian became hard or inconvenient would people still want to play a part in it? Would we be there rain or shine wind or snow? Would I...would you?

City Dump

I wanted to add the link for a video of the dump ministry that is going on. http://www.micahcentral.org/dumpintro.htm I pray that you all view the video to get a better idea of what it is like.