Tuesday, November 15, 2011

4 months

It's been over 4 months since my last blog. Now I know that I was far from blogging daily like I had planned but before July I was doing a decent job at being consistent in blogging a few times a month.....then Izzy died.

I shut down. I was hurting. I was frustrated by my friends/families response to her death. I felt like the people that love me most...the people who have always loved me best.....didn't even know how to comfort me. I was angry and frustrated that they couldn't help ease my pain. I was maddened by the fact that no one seemed to understand my loss.

The truth of the matter is people continued to love and support me in the ways they knew how. They supported me and did their best to comfort me.....there just was no "right" way. There wasn't enough comfort in this world to carry me through what I was experiencing. And while I got frustrated with my family and friends for not having the answers I forgot to turn to the one who did have the answers. I forgot to let God be my source of comfort. He is the only one who can or will ever truly know the anguish I experienced.

My situation was unique. It wasn't just a mother losing her daughter. It was more than that. And with the loss came a lot of extra pain as I felt like I had to fight for the world to acknowledge the loss as just that: a mother losing a daughter.

I still miss her with every passing day. In a lot of ways I'm dreading returning to Honduras because this will be the first time I've gone KNOWING she wouldn't be there waiting on me.

To all of you who experienced my frustration or rage these past months as I coped with my grief: I am sorry. You didn't fail me in any way. Thank you for loving me through this.

I miss you sweet Isabel. Mommy loves you.

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