Reminder

It is safe to say that I've spent the last few days wallowing in self pity and longings. I allowed thoughts of home and lost memories drag me into a place of ache like I've never known. It was so confusing to be so convinced that THIS was where God wanted me....yet to know that a huge part of me screamed for normal. Screamed to be able to go back to life as a normal 22 year old girl. I entertained thoughts of what it would have been like to have finished out my last 3 semesters in the classroom so that I too would have been walking across that stage last Saturday. Once I had allowed myself to go there I couldn't seem to find my way back.

I've spent the past 5 nights staying up WAY late in an attempt to keep up with life, classes, and my sanity. Each night as the clock crept toward 1 a.m. then 2 a.m. then 3 a.m. (and some nights even 4 or 5 a.m.) I wondered aloud what the heck I was doing in this country busting my butt to simply keep my head above water. Why am I here killing myself to simply chip away at a degree one painful semester at a time? Why am I still struggling through one paper after another instead of kicking back watching the ink dry on my diploma? College is supposed to take 4 years to get through and those 4 years are supposed to be the time of your life. So why why why....

Well tonight God hand delivered a reminder of why. Why I love taking my classes online....why being here wins out over being there....and why I fell in love with here in the first place.

Once again I'm sitting in the office working on the endless amounts of homework that I have. The clock had barely passed midnight when Mario came through the door leading Antonio. (Antonio is the baby of the house) Even before they got around the desk to where I sat Antonio had started to whimper. Mario quickly explained that Antonio had woken up scared crying out for me....ME. Not the momma that he has never really known....not the brothers who have raised him as much as anyone....not some other random person God could have brought here to this place. Nope on this night in his moment of fear he cried out for me. At 2 years old he may not know a lot about the world or life. He may not understand why anything works the way it does or how to make the monsters disappear. Doesn't know the meaning of trust...or even the word trust for that matter. Yet he knows what it feels like and what it looks like. It feels like waking up in the middle of the night and knowing that when he cries out for me that I'll be here.

As much as I hate it deadlines for papers exist and tonight I was in a time crunch to get one completed before I got closed out. Therefore, crawling in bed with him wasn't an option at the exact moment. Yet nothing (not even an F on the assignment) would have made me turn that little boy away in his moments of fear. Instead I pulled him up on my lap. Wrapping his legs around my waist and nuzzling his head under my chin he sat silently resting against me. Once he was settled I began typing again...this time with one arm around either side of him. As I hit send on my paper (23 minutes ahead of the deadline...thank you very much!) I was reminded that taking classes online, miles from campus/friends/normal life, means that I get to hold scared little boys while finishing papers. It means I get to curl up on hospital beds beside little ones who have stolen my heart. It means I get to hold up wives who struggle to stand as they pry themselves away from their dead husband. It means I get to work with boys who can't seem to keep themselves out of trouble.

Don't get me wrong my heart still longs for there. I still ache for an hour of the past....but tonight God reminded me of why I love the present. What a picture we made tonight as Antonio and I snuggled up in the chair so that I could finish my homework! Yep ....it was a scrapbook of the heart kind of moment.

Phones

Yep more nagging! :) If you have old cell phones (functioning or not) that you don't know what to do with WE CAN USE THEM. This funds from this cell phone drive will directly go to help Casa. Not only that but it serves another good purpose as the cell phone will get recycled and refurbished. To find out more about it send me a message (ashleylauer@gmail.com) or check out the link below. THANKS! 

http://www.cdehonduras.org/Donations.htm 

Another night time friend

Meet yet another one of my night time companions.....I enjoy this one A WHOLE LOT less than my beetle buddy. This one I had to call in the reinforcements for. Dorian came running when he heard my screams and was glad to kill it for me! :) Oh gosh it gives me cold chills just looking at the picture...I HATE SPIDERS. 

Verdicts of life

The judge here and Honduras is working on a ruling to say whether we can take Izzy to the states or not. The social worker presented all the paper work on Thursday and we were told that we would hear back at the latest by tomorrow. Yet as we come down to the wire for this "make us or break us" point I don't feel a bit nervous. However, my lack of nervousness doesn't come from confidence. I have NO idea how any of this is going to turn out. I feel as far from being able to take her to the states today as I did weeks ago when we thought we would never be able to find Izzy's birth mom. It is how I've felt every day between now and then as well. I decided long ago I would believe it was happening when I stepped onto the airplane with her in my arms.

No my lack of nervousness can only be described as a gift from God. The past few days as I've prayed over this situation I've felt His presence like never before....felt Him holding me and heard His gentle voice. At some point while I simply sat silently in His presence I felt Him guiding me to the book of Matthew. I read through the "trial" that Jesus was put through. I read how he stood silently waiting for the "judge's" (Pontius Pilate's) ruling. I wanted to weep as I read those ever so familiar words in Matt. 27 .... "When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. 'I am innocent of this man's blood,' he said. 'It is your responsibility!'" 

Though there might not be  a riot ready to break out because of Izzy there are plenty of reasons why the judge could choose to "wash his/her hands" of the situation. Heck even without a real reason they could decide that they aren't going to grant permission and simply shove her file off to the side. 

I know you are probably wondering how all of THAT brings me any kind of comfort or peace of mind in these hours before we hear something. However, examine the story further. Twice Jesus asks God to "take the cup" from him. Jesus all but begs God to change the path that lies ahead of him. However, knowing that God's ways were above his own he finishes the prayer off that though he desired a different ending to his story he desired even more that the will of his father be done. 

You all know how that story ended. I have no doubt that his Father heard his prayer. I also believe that being the loving Daddy that He is He wanted nothing more than to grant that prayer request. ....wanted to spare His son the pain and anguish that He was to face. Yet He still led Jesus to the cross so that he could fulfill his destiny as the perfect lamb and sacrifice. 

Anyone wondering where my ramblings are leading?..... So yea....Pontius Pilate, Jesus, Izzy, the cross...everyone focused again? As I read on and watched as Jesus was beaten, ridiculed, and then finally crucified I was struck by how much this man not only changed the world but how he changed this girl.....this heart. I am who I am because his story/life ended like it did. I may not have lived at the same time as he did but I still grieve his gruesome death. Yet I rejoice its meaning. 

Transition back with me to my angel...Izzy. She is my joy and my delight. Stubborn, bull headed, difficult, unpredictable, and unstable as she is she is mine. Somewhere in our first 2 weeks together I learned what it truly means to love another...not because they love you or show you affection. Not because life with them is fun or easy. No I learned to love when it is hard. When the other person isn't capable of showing love back....when life with them is more difficult than it was before yet the mere thought of going back to that easier life makes you sick. I learned unconditional love at its most rare, untainted, and pure form. 

No matter what I stand before you today with the most sincere heart and honest voice as I say ... "I am changed because of this little one." There will come a day when I look back and say "I am who I am now because I spent even a day with Izzy." I have no idea where God is taking Izzy. No idea what the rest of her life story looks like or how long it may be. I feel certain that literal crucifixions have been over for at least a couple of years now. However, God could be using this little one's life the way He used the life of His son...to touch the hearts of many. She certainly started with this heart but the ripples of her life haven't stopped there. So ....while I will still beg God daily to take this cup from her...from us... I WILL end every prayer that no matter what HIS way will be done. He held her in His arms for the first 3 years of life when no one else was there to do it. I highly doubt that now that He brought her into my arms that He has stopped holding her....now He simply holds us both at once. I'm not giving up...on the contrary. I'm simply letting God shift the focus of my prayers......and allowing Him to bring peace to this heart.   

Some days I long to be able to more accurately portray the things that plague, prod, and motivate this heart. I long for elegant words that will do justice to the things that God is teaching me. However, part of me believes that as I sit before my computer ready to type some of it out for you that God blocks my ability to adequately articulate what I'm learning so that a part of that remains intimately mine and His. Yet I whole heartedly believe He gave me my writing abilities (and if we are being honest my gift for gab) so that I might encourage, support, and challenge you in your own faith. 

Reflection

Today I would have been donning my cap and gown. I would be joining my fellow classmates as they file across the stage to receive a piece of paper that we have spent the last 4 years working so hard to get. Afterward I would have slung my arms around my friends as we posed for hundreds of pictures that mark the end of another chapter of our lives. Through laughter and tears we would savor our last few moments together...reflecting on how far we have come.

For the past couple weeks I haven't known what to do with any of that....even as I sit here typing this I find myself typing things that I didn't even know were on my heart. The mere thought of the word graduation brings tears to my eyes that threaten to spill out. Am I sad that I won't be among those graduating in a week...yes. Yet not because I regret coming here instead of "powering through to get that degree first." That piece of paper has little to nothing to do with this. No the regret comes when I see pictures of the girls at one of their bachelorette parties, when I read away messages saying my peeps are all together having movie night or simply enjoying each others company, when I learn that one of them is struggling, when they retell stories of late night volleyball games or applebees runs........basically when I hear that their lives have continued on and I've missed out on all of it. Please hear me say that though I regret missing out on all of that I know that I was made for here. I know that this is where God wants me and that this is where He placed me for such a time as this. My last blog is as true now as it was yesterday when I posted it....I LOVE MY LIFE...love the daily tasks and the small things.

It isn't about not wanting to be here...it really isn't even about wanting to be there. (ok so maybe a little..) It is simply about how far life has taken me in such a short amount of time. It is about an ending that signals so much more than just the end. This stage of life is over for me. Sure I may not have my degree yet and may still be taking online classes....but dorm living, campus life, late nights with the girls, etc...that is over. Never again can I visit Malone and have all my friends there in one place. They are moving on. They are getting married, getting jobs, getting lives. Seems so weird to hear them talk about their futures and what is next for them when I'm already in mine....and have been here awhile. 

Everyone around me insists that this place is far better than that. I'm told that my being here is far greater than being there ever could be. People tell me that I'm really not missing anything. Some would even say they wish they could trade places with me. 

It is hard for me to put into words the feelings of this heart. The only word that can truly grasp the emotion of this heart is - nostalgia. "A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time." It isn't that I don't enjoy every second I spend here. My heart just longs, even for just an hour, to be back there living out the memories of yesterdays that have long since passed. 

God has truly blessed me with amazing people to walk through life with....both before college and then during. He paired me up with a roommate my freshman year that would become one of my best friends in life. In that same year he placed girls across the hall from me who would remain in my world from the first day we met. They were friends who would doctor me, motivate me,  encourage me, teach me, grow me, accept me, and most importantly love me. They would stick by me through deaths of family and friends, heart break, danger, car accidents, surgeries, rehab, dumb decisions....and smart ones, last minute studying and late night projects, and so much more. 

I will never forget:

*coming home to a room full of pictures of the Pope. 

*prank wars 

*shirley temples

*cream cheese and wheat thins

*Greys Anatomy 

*sleepovers on the futon 

*calling the home shopping network 

*dance parties....and singing at the top of our lungs 

*sweedish fish 

*diet coke obsessions 

*holding hands on the wood

*old school nintendo 

*paperboy, mario kart, and guitar hero 

*movie nights 

*the "rommmate" song 

*stalkers 

*The volvo, betta, and mini :) 

*Fun nicknames that were shouted across the campus 

*trips all over the place 

*SAC 

......oh gosh the list could go on......

Letting go of the past (even when you love the present) is so much easier when the past wasn't as perfect as you could have ever wanted. When the memories of the past aren't nearly so fun to go back and relive. When your heart doesn't feel like a piece of it is missing because it will always be there woven in with the picture of what was. ...living on within each of those that helped you create those moments. So for all of you that graduated today.... congratulations. Know that I was there with you in spirit, mind, and especially heart. I thank God for the role you in played in my world. Love you all. 

 

Late night company

Every year about this time the little guy above and hundreds of his closest family and friends decide to bless this area with their presence. One night you'll find one or two of them.....by the time a week passes they are here in swarms. Mid-May proves to be so thick with them that you can barely see the tile of the back porch through the sea of beetles. I've been spending many late nights in the office trying to crank out homework for my classes. After long days around here I find it hard enough to focus so late WITHOUT the distraction of these "night time friends" who like to dive bomb my head every few minutes. :) Aren't you soooo sad to be missing out on the fun! 

Dance Party

The kids have fallen in love with music. They want it to be playing 24/7.....at the loudest possible volume! A few nights a week I like to let them put on some music and we dance around for awhile. Not only is it a good work out ...they absolutely love it. Heaven help them though if they learn to dance from watching me! :) None the less we have a blast.