Sunday, May 4, 2008

Verdicts of life

The judge here and Honduras is working on a ruling to say whether we can take Izzy to the states or not. The social worker presented all the paper work on Thursday and we were told that we would hear back at the latest by tomorrow. Yet as we come down to the wire for this "make us or break us" point I don't feel a bit nervous. However, my lack of nervousness doesn't come from confidence. I have NO idea how any of this is going to turn out. I feel as far from being able to take her to the states today as I did weeks ago when we thought we would never be able to find Izzy's birth mom. It is how I've felt every day between now and then as well. I decided long ago I would believe it was happening when I stepped onto the airplane with her in my arms.

No my lack of nervousness can only be described as a gift from God. The past few days as I've prayed over this situation I've felt His presence like never before....felt Him holding me and heard His gentle voice. At some point while I simply sat silently in His presence I felt Him guiding me to the book of Matthew. I read through the "trial" that Jesus was put through. I read how he stood silently waiting for the "judge's" (Pontius Pilate's) ruling. I wanted to weep as I read those ever so familiar words in Matt. 27 .... "When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. 'I am innocent of this man's blood,' he said. 'It is your responsibility!'" 

Though there might not be  a riot ready to break out because of Izzy there are plenty of reasons why the judge could choose to "wash his/her hands" of the situation. Heck even without a real reason they could decide that they aren't going to grant permission and simply shove her file off to the side. 

I know you are probably wondering how all of THAT brings me any kind of comfort or peace of mind in these hours before we hear something. However, examine the story further. Twice Jesus asks God to "take the cup" from him. Jesus all but begs God to change the path that lies ahead of him. However, knowing that God's ways were above his own he finishes the prayer off that though he desired a different ending to his story he desired even more that the will of his father be done. 

You all know how that story ended. I have no doubt that his Father heard his prayer. I also believe that being the loving Daddy that He is He wanted nothing more than to grant that prayer request. ....wanted to spare His son the pain and anguish that He was to face. Yet He still led Jesus to the cross so that he could fulfill his destiny as the perfect lamb and sacrifice. 

Anyone wondering where my ramblings are leading?..... So yea....Pontius Pilate, Jesus, Izzy, the cross...everyone focused again? As I read on and watched as Jesus was beaten, ridiculed, and then finally crucified I was struck by how much this man not only changed the world but how he changed this girl.....this heart. I am who I am because his story/life ended like it did. I may not have lived at the same time as he did but I still grieve his gruesome death. Yet I rejoice its meaning. 

Transition back with me to my angel...Izzy. She is my joy and my delight. Stubborn, bull headed, difficult, unpredictable, and unstable as she is she is mine. Somewhere in our first 2 weeks together I learned what it truly means to love another...not because they love you or show you affection. Not because life with them is fun or easy. No I learned to love when it is hard. When the other person isn't capable of showing love back....when life with them is more difficult than it was before yet the mere thought of going back to that easier life makes you sick. I learned unconditional love at its most rare, untainted, and pure form. 

No matter what I stand before you today with the most sincere heart and honest voice as I say ... "I am changed because of this little one." There will come a day when I look back and say "I am who I am now because I spent even a day with Izzy." I have no idea where God is taking Izzy. No idea what the rest of her life story looks like or how long it may be. I feel certain that literal crucifixions have been over for at least a couple of years now. However, God could be using this little one's life the way He used the life of His touch the hearts of many. She certainly started with this heart but the ripples of her life haven't stopped there. So ....while I will still beg God daily to take this cup from her...from us... I WILL end every prayer that no matter what HIS way will be done. He held her in His arms for the first 3 years of life when no one else was there to do it. I highly doubt that now that He brought her into my arms that He has stopped holding He simply holds us both at once. I'm not giving up...on the contrary. I'm simply letting God shift the focus of my prayers......and allowing Him to bring peace to this heart.   

Some days I long to be able to more accurately portray the things that plague, prod, and motivate this heart. I long for elegant words that will do justice to the things that God is teaching me. However, part of me believes that as I sit before my computer ready to type some of it out for you that God blocks my ability to adequately articulate what I'm learning so that a part of that remains intimately mine and His. Yet I whole heartedly believe He gave me my writing abilities (and if we are being honest my gift for gab) so that I might encourage, support, and challenge you in your own faith. 

1 comment:

Jen said...

I think you articulate it just right dear one...

and you need to know that this girl has been FOREVER changed by getting the privilege of watching you and Izzy together. it's beautiful and somehow you walk away better by having witnessed it.

keep serving my wear Him well.