trust and obey and the sacrifice that brings

So I feel that I need to clear up any misconceptions that I may have given. As I read back through my blogs and the image of joy and discernment that come from their words I realize that I am not being completely honest with myself or those of you that are faithfully reading my simple words. I have always found it hard to express my struggles or my short comings. AND I always choose to pretend like I am fine rather than burden someone else with my problems. However, that means the image I am sharing with people isn't the true image of me. I am human I mess up...I struggle....and at times I fall on my face. I am just like all of you. We are not different at all. I don't have some crazy direct line to God where I simple have to push speed dial one and find His voice on the other end of the line. I battle to find His will and I struggle to hear His voice. We have our moments when I feel that I couldn't be wrapped more tightly in His arms but frankly there are also moments when I feel angry with Him. I get confused and frustrated...and I tell Him about it.
I had one of those moments shortly after arriving here. That fact may surprise some of you but I really do NOT have it all figured out. When I left home I knew God had a lot in store for me and that things were about to change in my life in drastic ways. However, I wasn't prepared for the contentment I found here. I was ready for changes and ready for challenges but the only changes I found were in the changes of my heart. I felt at peace here and a love for the people that should have taken months to form not the mere days I had been here. So I sat one morning praying and talking with my God. However, it wasn't a peace filled talk where I praised Him for every part of this place. Don't get me wrong I spend plenty of time doing that...this day though was different. I was struggling and I was hurting and I wanted to tell HIM about it. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why He would bring me to a place that was thousands of miles from those I loved. I wanted to know why if this was His plan for my life that He would bless me with so many AMAZING friends and such an INCREDIBLE family. Why couldn't I have just had a few close friends and family whom I could stay connected with and still invest in from where I am. Instead HE made me a people person. HE made me love every person that was brought into my life and HE "blessed" me with some great heart people. It didn't seem fair that HE would allow me to have so many people that I was close to ....my heart was screaming-"don't you see that this isn't just hurting me but You are forcing me to hurt the heart of so many others!" Then as He always does He whispered to my heart to be silent and gave back some of that peace that I was losing my grip on.
I have continued to question since that day and my struggles have not left me but I am learning to come to grips with those struggles. God didn't tell us it would be easy to follow Him. He promised to go before me and promised that the reward would be great but NEVER did He say the path to that reward would be smooth. In fact He warned that the His way would not be simple or easy. Our lives are full of sacrifices. We are constantly forced to choose which things in life are worth the sacrifice and which ones are worth sacrificing. The moment I realized that I also realized that my God was NOT one of those things worth sacrificing but instead is one of those things worth sacrificing for not. So this morning as I sat reading my bible and spending some time searching I began to look up every verse in the bible that dealt with sacrifice. I wasn't so sure I truly knew what the word meant. So how could I properly sacrifice without knowing what it meant to truly sacrifice. My search overturned a lot of verses that I haven't read for awhile. 1 Chronicles 21: 22-24 -- Matthew 8: 18-22 -- and many others. They spoke of how following Jesus in fact is not always easy or comfortable. Often it comes at great cost. However, they explain that the sacrifice must be great because while the cost of the sacrifice is so high the value of being Christ's disciple is even higher and yield such great reward. Not earthly reward but eternal reward.
However, the verses that hit me the most would be all of Matthew 10. It left me sitting in tears, bowing my head, and letting the words wash over me. I won't write it all out but I encourage you to grab a bible and read through it for yourself. It is pretty powerful. When I began this crazy journey ...back before I even set foot on the plane...I struggled with leaving home and those I loved. It was in this moment of weakness and struggle that I cried out to a few of those I was closest with. One of my friends said these 3 words to me - trust and obey. As we continued to talk of my questions and struggles he simply continued to repeat those words....trust and obey ..trust and obey...trust and obey. Needless to say at the time that wasn't what I wanted to hear. I was searching for big answers and he simply gave me 3 words. However, I look back now and see that those 3 words are all I needed. They reminded me of a song then and still remind me of that same song. It gives such promise and brings such joy to my struggling heart. So for now and hopefully for always I will live my life by those 3 small words and the promise that the song that goes with those words brings to me.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.
Refrain:Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.
Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.
But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.
Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

My friend

I have a friend...she knows who she is. She is what I would call a forever friend. The type that has seen me through the good years and the bad. She means a lot to me. However, this same friend spent the earliest years of her life in an orphanage much like the one I am currently serving in. This is a fact that I have been aware of since the beginning of our friendship but one that is easily forgotten as you get to know her and spend years being her friend. However, since arriving here we have talked about her stay and the type of place that she lived in. I have begun to wonder about the type of people that took care of her and how she was treated. Furthermore, since our talk I have begun to see each of my kids in a whole new light...they have each become that friend. Each of their little faces reflects the face of that very special friend. AND my way of treating them has changed. I have always loved them but now love them with a new kind of love. I not only want to love them but also to invest in them. I want them to grow up and have a life like that of my friend. Someone somewhere along the way helped my friend and I long to be that for these kids here. I am thankful for everyone that played a part in caring for her and bringing her into my life. I think that often times it is easy for people...even me..to view these kids as just another parent less child. However, they aren't just another parent less child they are our children. They will grow up to be someones mother, someones father, someones neighbor, and even someones friend. They will make a difference in the lives of others and touch the hearts of many. The ARE NOT just another parent less child...they are my friend and everything she is to me. No matter what earthly parent they have they all have the same Heavenly Father and that makes them special.

Family Night

So we had our first "family night" last night. We have decided that every Wednesday night we won't have shifts or only a couple of us working but instead we will all just spend time with the kids together. So our goal is to eat as a group and then have activities planned and a bible lesson of some sort. We just want them to see us all together and spending time with God more than just on Sunday. Our first night went off great...the kiddos loved it and so did we. We sang with them, prayed with them, spanked them a few times, and then had an activity and lesson. The lesson was about the love God had for us and that we should have for others. We then traced and cut out their feet so they could paste them together to make hearts. We then helped them to decorate them. They turned out so cute.

A servants heart

So since I arrived at Casa de Esperanza I have struggled with the fact that we have people working here for us that at times seem more like slaves than friends. There are 3 guards that take turns watching over us 24 hours a day and there are 3 women who work doing our dishes, laundry, cleaning, and making our meals. All 6 people serve us with smiles on their faces and without complaint. I often times return to my room to find my bed made and my clothes returned to my room clean and folded. Not only do they serve without complaining but they are so polite and kind in every way. They ask permission before entering a room I am in and hug and kiss me every time they arrive or leave. They apologize for the littlest thing that they feel might offend me and get offended any time they see me doing any cleaning or picking up. They feel that if I am doing something it is because they weren't working fast enough and feel bad for that too. The amazing part is they seem to enjoy what they are doing and love being here to do those things. Today the girls and I decided we were going to create a path to run on around the property but quickly found that the brush, weeds, and briers made it very difficult to get through. So we enlisted the help of one of our guards who was off duty but was still on the property doing some work. He graciously walked with us as we retraced our steps and showed him just where we wanted our new running path to be made. Then we left to go take our showers and powder our pretty white noses (ok I may be exaggerating) while he stayed in the heat doing what we had asked. Later in the day that same guard assisted us in finding a way to hang our new hammock so that we might enjoy the beautiful afternoons swinging back and forth between the strong branches of two perfectly positioned trees. Again we showed what we wanted done and then left as he stayed to work and rework a plan to make sure the job was done perfectly. I tell all of this to paint a mental image of just how hard but willingly these people serve us. I understand that we are paying them and providing for them in many ways that most here never get but still they definitely define the saying "above and beyond the call of duty." As I sat today thinking of just how much they do but how willingly they do it I couldn't help but look at the way I serve. Sure I'm in Honduras serving its people and doing what the Lord asks of me. ...but do I serve as willingly? Do I serve and spend all my day working with a smile...a genuine smile...pasted on my face? Do I serve patiently and graciously? Do I do what is asked of me and then some? I mean sure they are getting paid...but God promises me a payment that surpasses any kind of payment that we could be giving out. Yet they do such a better job than I at truly knowing what it means to be a servant. Their examples have helped to remind me just what kind of a servant God is calling me to be. I only hope that when people look at me they also see such a selfless, gracious, loving, patient, and humble servant. So instead of looking at our workers and feeling sad my heart is refreshed. For the first time in a long time I am reminded of what it looks like to serve another so completely.

More about the little moments

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor.
In the corner of my eye.
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I'll never be the same
Show me Your glory
Send down Your presence
I want to see Your face
Show me Your glory
Majesty shines about You
I can't go on without You,
LordWhen I climb down the mountain
And get back to my life
I won't settle for ordinary things
I'm gonna follow You forever
And for all of my days
I won't rest 'til I see You again
Show me Your glory
Show me Your glory
I can't live without You

In my earlier post I spoke of my difficulties to share the little moments of this place with those that I love. However, I wasn't able to convey at that time the part of all of this that is the most difficult to portray to people. For me the hardest part to explain is the feeling that comes along with this experience. The protective nature that grips your heart not only for these kids but the people of this country. I seen the way these people live and have seen the way these people hurt. I have seen the way these people love and I have seen the way they worship God. My heart has been affected in ways that could never be put into words. The closest I can come is with the words of the song above. It is a song that I had not heard for awhile but was reminded of a few days ago by someone I had met here. I have caught a glimpse of God here in all His glory and when I come out of these mountains (literally) I will never be the same. I'll never be able to rest while not walking in that glory I have found here. It is hard to come here and not be affected and changed but is harder still to take those changes that have occured in your heart and explain them to those you love. It is easy to see pictures or hear stories or watch a television program on how bad things are for people in other areas but being here is different. Until you have stood in the midst of it you never truly understand or simply....get it. God is doing some big things with my heart and I am loving it. I just wish He would also give me the words to make is so real for everyone else.

The little moments

I sat today thinking of how hard it is to be here and have everyone else at home. Not necessarily because I long to be home but because I wish those from home could be here. I want them to experience what I get to experience because no matter how many times I try and explain it my words will never do justice to the precious memories I am making. It isn't so much the big things that happen here like Marjuri getting hurt or Fernando riding his bike for the first time that I struggle to find the words for but the little moments. It is those moments where I wake up in the wee hours of the morning to find a little one with their head snuggled up against my neck. It is those moments when one kiddo has candy and instead of eating it all themselves they share with all the others. It is those moments when they are swinging on their stomachs on the swing singing and talking and giggling to themselves as if they are having the time of their life. They are moments that I can tell you about but never truly share with you because you will never get to hear the sweet harmonic sound of their laughter as they simply enjoy life. It is then when my heart is so full with what I get to do and see here that I miss those from home most and long to have them here with me.

A mothers heart

I am learning what it means to have a mothers heart. I now know the fear that grips your heart when you see one of your own get hurt. Today little Marjuri was washing her hands for lunch when she slipped and feel and busted her mouth on the sink. I didn't witness it happening but walked in moments later to see her in the arms of Carlos. Her mouth was open wide and she was doing a little raspy thing she does when she cries. She holds her breath for WAY too long before finally letting it out along with a long wail. As her mouth was hanging open I could see the blood filling up the tiny space between her tongue and the roof of her mouth. Fear gripped my heart in a new way as I found this little one being shoved into my arms. Without thinking I reacted and instantly did what I could to take control of the situation. It took awhile to get the bleeding to stop and even longer to convince her that it was OK to stop crying but eventually she was OK. However, it took a lot longer for my racing heart to return to normal and will be a long time still before that fear is completely erased. I have seen people get injured before and have suffered my own share of injuries. However, none of these compare to the fear one experiences when the one hurt is one you hold so close to your heart and whose well being rest in your hands. As I think of the fear and pain one bloody mouthed child can bring to my heart I think of the pain God must have felt to have to watch HIS son be injured and then killed upon the cross. I wouldn't have allowed anyone to harm little Marjuri and yet God stood back and allowed his son to be crucified because he loves US that much.

I also am learning the ways of a mothers heart as I have to punish these little ones here. There are times when their actions and stubborn nature drive me nuts. However, more times than not it pains me more than them when I have to punish them or reprimand them. Furthermore, I find myself struggling to reprimand them for doing something that I really want to be taking a picture of. For example, today the girls were playing with chalk on the side walk. They were told they could only write with it on the sidewalk and nowhere else. However, when I turned around they were drawing all over the slides and play area. OH and that isn't all...not only were they using their chalk on the slides but they were then putting their mouths on the surfaces they had just covered in a fine layer of chalk. So that when I called out to tell them no I could barely hear their excuses as I struggled to control my laughter. What a sight they were with those innocent eyes and their mouths so covered in chalk that they looked like a little girl who had found her mothers lipstick. If I wasn't afraid of sending the wrong signal I would have taken a picture that I would have cherished forever....because in that moment they were cuter than I thought possible.:)