Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Godless places

I recently found a song that touched my heart and has stayed there ever since.
As you know last week I spent quite a bit of time here as the "only momma" in
the house. What I may have forgotten to share with you is just how tiring that
could become. There were moments when I wanted to scream or just lay down and
sleep forabout 5 days straight. One of those days I came over to the apartment
to get a shower and take advantage of a few minutes away. Before heading to the
bathroom I walked over to the CD player and pushed play. Now for about the past
3 weeks we have had the same CD in so that was what I expected to hear. You can
imagine my surprise as the first song began and I was unfamiliar with the singer.
Deciding to listen and see what it was I continued on my way to the shower.
Just as I was stepping out of the shower song number four began to play. By the
time I got back out to the living room I had heard enough to make me want to start
the song over again and really focus on the words. As the song began again I began
to feel the tears pushing their way forward and my heart starting to soften.
I had come to the apartment in an attempt to escape. I was ready to hide from God
and everyone for at least a good 15 minutes. However, God took full advantage of
my emotional state and took the chance to break me in a way that I hadn't been
broken for awhile. Somewhere in the midst of the frustration I had forgotten why
we were here. I had forgotten the things of my past that had led me to this point.
I had indeed spent many days dragging HIS name through GODLESS places. I have
failed and I have floundered. Still no matter how bad I messed up or what I did
He wasright there with open arms. Just waiting for me to turn around and head back
for home.Yet there I was watching children who messed up and who were floundering
and I was ready to run from them. I was frustrated with them. I then thought of
the line "I've seen pain on broken faces" and it made me remember just how many
times my messing up had hurtthose I loved. How often had they been frustrated with
me and longed for nothing more than a chance to run from it all. Yet they stood by
me.They waited by the doorwatching for me to turn around and they prayed me through
those rough steps of life.I'm not saying that this song had some miraculous power
to keep me from every getting frustrated because there will always be moments of
frustration. However, it reminded me that when I was the biggest mess those were
the moments when I needed my loved ones the most. Those were the moments when I
needed to know that all I had to do was turn around and head back home and HE would
RUN to me.For those of you who have had moments in life where you've trudged through
the valley dragging God's name behind you through the mud you know what I'm talking
about. It is that feeling of knowing you have messed up and your head is so heavy
with shame that you can't even lift it. Thoseare the moments that we hope with all
our might that someone might reach out and hug us.It reminded me that when the kids
mess up and stand before me with their tear stained faces that what they need more
than anything is for me to kiss away their tears. I have felt those kisses and know
the feeling of Grace. After everything I had done God pulled me out of the pig pen,
wrapped me in in His cloak, and welcomed me back into the family.

I drug his name through godless places
And I’ve known shame that no child of his should know
I’ve seen pain on broken faces
Beyond all thought of hope
I was just too far from home
Still I always wondered when I closed my eyes

After all I’ve done
Could he run to me?
Would he kiss my face?
Could he even look at me?
After where I’ve been
should he take me back?
I would understand
I’ve disgraced him
But it would be amazing
If he still calls me son

With nothing left for me to bring him
I left my pride and turned my heart toward home
I saw my home on the horizon
And from a distance
I saw my Father
Watching for his own with forgiving eyes

After all I’d done
He just ran to me
Then he kissed my face
He would not let go of me
After where I’d been
He just welcomed me
I didn’t understand
But he put his robe on me
It was so amazing
That he still called me son

One day as I breathe my last
And I know my days on earth have ended
When every hour is spent
I will close my eyes in amazement
And I’ll hear angels
They’ll be singing

Amazing Grace
Cause he will run to me
And he will kiss my face
He will not let go of me
After where I’ve been
He will welcome me
I won’t understand
How he’ll put his robe on me
It will be amazing
That he’ll still call me son

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
When he calls me son
I once was lost but now I’m found
Cause he calls me Son

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