Ever wonder if all of Heaven is crying with you...or at least feels your pain. Today I'm certain the answer is yes. We took Luby back to the Judges office this afternoon and after 2 weeks of loving him through life walked out of the office without him. He attempted to bolt out the gate this morning while it was open to take things in and out. After JT got hold of him and brought him back inside he then spent the rest of his morning saying that he didn't want to be here. He went to his bedroom and put back on the clothes that he came in. He yelled of wanting out. He told of what he would sell and how he would get money to feed himself once he was back on the street.
Well Jen had told him the next time he tried to run or said he didn't want to be here that he was going back. He has to know there are consequences in life. Not to mention that he hits, kicks, spits on, etc every one of our children and they are now afraid of him. Yesterday poor Monica pressed herself flat against the opposite wall to stay as far out of his reach as she could as she passed him. Although I don't believe he is of a direct danger to their lives we also can't have him intimidating them to a point where they are afraid to be near him.
It was the hardest decision and even more so the hardest decision to walk out! I rode to town with Jen in an attempt to assist her if he made an attempt to bolt or fight. He put up a big fight alright.....he sat on the seat with me and about half way there even allowed himself to lean back into my embrace and allow me to place my cheek on the back of his head. Then as we began to talk to him I looked over just in time to see a single tear slip out of the corner of his eye and roll down his cheek. It was enough to start my water works all over again. What must it be like to be 12 and not know what a home looks like? To not know where you are going to lay your head tonight? Together the three of us made our way into the building that not so long ago we had walked out of together. It seemed appropriate that we had started this journey out together and we were ending it together. We met with the judge and explained the situation. Then suddenly it was like someone snapped their fingers. The papers were signed and Luby’s life, for the next few days at least, had been decided. A girl walked in the door and informed him it was time to go. Before Jen or I knew what happened she had led him away to a waiting guard. We had to half jog to keep up and finally called out for the guard to wait so that we could say our goodbyes. Jen went first and as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close I could see her body begin to shake as she too lost the fight that had been holding back the dam threatening to burst behind her eyes. Then it was my turn to say goodbye to a kid who despite the attitude, hardness, and problems had become one of our own. He wasn’t a new project. He was just simply ours. I took him into my arms and in an attempt to find words to wrap up the emotions and love welling up within me I whispered words that were meant to comfort and assure him that he was indeed loved. Then with one final...I'll love you forever I turned and walked away. I met up with Jen outside and we headed for the truck where we laid our head in our arms and sobbed for a little boy who had not only made his way into our home but also into our hearts. Then as if a movie screen had been placed before my eyes I watched the scenes of the past 3 weeks flash before my eyes. I saw a scared little boy be brought into the judges office that first day so uncertain of who we were or what his future would hold. I saw a little boy sitting in the back of Gina's car that first day. Who when asked if he wanted to go for ice cream said "yea I have some money we can go." I saw a little boy who when taken to the dump with us coward behind Jen realizing he wasn't as tough as he thought. I saw a little boy who gave his seat up to a women who had nowhere to sit. I saw a little boy who opened so many doors, pulled out chairs, and who every once in awhile gave hugs like he wanted to hold onto you forever. I saw a little boy who hit, bit, kicked, and yelled at those that set boundaries for him simply because for the first time in his life he had someone who cared enough about him to do so. I saw a boy who in so many ways reminded me of me when I was young. I was a brat. I was mean at times. The more I saw me in him the more it hit me just how unfair this all was. How unfair it was/is that I had parents who loved me through those hard times instead of parents who created them. How unfair it was/is that we couldn't be those loving parents to him. However, the fact of the matter is we have 15 other kids who have never known what it means to be safe. We can't steal that from them now that they have found it just to save one. However, that doesn’t make losing him any easier. He was a part of us. There is an empty bed in our house tonight that will constantly serve as a reminder that I now have no idea where this child will find a bed tonight. I have no idea if someone is hugging/kissing him goodnight. I have no idea if someone is there to pray over him or sing him to sleep.
This entire experience has taken me to a whole new level of trusting God. A level that includes understanding that this child wasn’t truly mine but is His…he just loaned him to me for a couple of weeks. A new level of trusting that meant that I had to say “God I have no idea where this child is going…I may never see him again…but I trust YOU.” I’ve learned that this kind of trusting….not so easy for me. This kind of loving is also not so easy for me….it is hard on my heart! It is so worth it though because for 2 weeks I got to love on a kiddo who up until now nobody has wanted to love on. We possibly had the chance to plant seeds that someone else will have the privilege of sowing in the future. So for now I will attempt to work on the trust thing and have faith that no matter what he is in God’s hands.
Well Jen had told him the next time he tried to run or said he didn't want to be here that he was going back. He has to know there are consequences in life. Not to mention that he hits, kicks, spits on, etc every one of our children and they are now afraid of him. Yesterday poor Monica pressed herself flat against the opposite wall to stay as far out of his reach as she could as she passed him. Although I don't believe he is of a direct danger to their lives we also can't have him intimidating them to a point where they are afraid to be near him.
It was the hardest decision and even more so the hardest decision to walk out! I rode to town with Jen in an attempt to assist her if he made an attempt to bolt or fight. He put up a big fight alright.....he sat on the seat with me and about half way there even allowed himself to lean back into my embrace and allow me to place my cheek on the back of his head. Then as we began to talk to him I looked over just in time to see a single tear slip out of the corner of his eye and roll down his cheek. It was enough to start my water works all over again. What must it be like to be 12 and not know what a home looks like? To not know where you are going to lay your head tonight? Together the three of us made our way into the building that not so long ago we had walked out of together. It seemed appropriate that we had started this journey out together and we were ending it together. We met with the judge and explained the situation. Then suddenly it was like someone snapped their fingers. The papers were signed and Luby’s life, for the next few days at least, had been decided. A girl walked in the door and informed him it was time to go. Before Jen or I knew what happened she had led him away to a waiting guard. We had to half jog to keep up and finally called out for the guard to wait so that we could say our goodbyes. Jen went first and as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close I could see her body begin to shake as she too lost the fight that had been holding back the dam threatening to burst behind her eyes. Then it was my turn to say goodbye to a kid who despite the attitude, hardness, and problems had become one of our own. He wasn’t a new project. He was just simply ours. I took him into my arms and in an attempt to find words to wrap up the emotions and love welling up within me I whispered words that were meant to comfort and assure him that he was indeed loved. Then with one final...I'll love you forever I turned and walked away. I met up with Jen outside and we headed for the truck where we laid our head in our arms and sobbed for a little boy who had not only made his way into our home but also into our hearts. Then as if a movie screen had been placed before my eyes I watched the scenes of the past 3 weeks flash before my eyes. I saw a scared little boy be brought into the judges office that first day so uncertain of who we were or what his future would hold. I saw a little boy sitting in the back of Gina's car that first day. Who when asked if he wanted to go for ice cream said "yea I have some money we can go." I saw a little boy who when taken to the dump with us coward behind Jen realizing he wasn't as tough as he thought. I saw a little boy who gave his seat up to a women who had nowhere to sit. I saw a little boy who opened so many doors, pulled out chairs, and who every once in awhile gave hugs like he wanted to hold onto you forever. I saw a little boy who hit, bit, kicked, and yelled at those that set boundaries for him simply because for the first time in his life he had someone who cared enough about him to do so. I saw a boy who in so many ways reminded me of me when I was young. I was a brat. I was mean at times. The more I saw me in him the more it hit me just how unfair this all was. How unfair it was/is that I had parents who loved me through those hard times instead of parents who created them. How unfair it was/is that we couldn't be those loving parents to him. However, the fact of the matter is we have 15 other kids who have never known what it means to be safe. We can't steal that from them now that they have found it just to save one. However, that doesn’t make losing him any easier. He was a part of us. There is an empty bed in our house tonight that will constantly serve as a reminder that I now have no idea where this child will find a bed tonight. I have no idea if someone is hugging/kissing him goodnight. I have no idea if someone is there to pray over him or sing him to sleep.
This entire experience has taken me to a whole new level of trusting God. A level that includes understanding that this child wasn’t truly mine but is His…he just loaned him to me for a couple of weeks. A new level of trusting that meant that I had to say “God I have no idea where this child is going…I may never see him again…but I trust YOU.” I’ve learned that this kind of trusting….not so easy for me. This kind of loving is also not so easy for me….it is hard on my heart! It is so worth it though because for 2 weeks I got to love on a kiddo who up until now nobody has wanted to love on. We possibly had the chance to plant seeds that someone else will have the privilege of sowing in the future. So for now I will attempt to work on the trust thing and have faith that no matter what he is in God’s hands.
1 comment:
Oh my!! Talk about crying!! I'm so sorry that this is one of those things that comes with the job title...but I pray and know God will take care of little Luby!!! Love you!!
P.S. 5 days
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